I feel that fibromyalgia is a definite curse. I know some people who have fibromyalgia don’t necessarily feel it as severely as I do, or maybe don’t have as many other disorders going on at the same time. I don’t know. But I actually find it discouraging to hear from people who say they had it and exercised and got all better. Sorry, that one just isn’t going to work for me.
One of the worst parts of this whole mess is the stomach issues I have developed. I don’t know if it’s due to my medications or if it’s actually another disorder or condition, but it is so hard to eat. People don’t understand how depressing it is to know that you NEED to eat, for the sake of your health and body (and for fear of disappearing otherwise), but are just physically unable to eat. The nausea is horrible. I take nausea medication usually given to chemo patients, and even that is really not enough. It’s extremely stressful to try to force food down your throat every hour or couple hours throughout the day.
I have an extremely difficult time trying to get enough calories into my body. I’ve been doing research and based on my current weight (about 98-100 pounds, which is extremely scary to me), to keep from going into starvation mode, I need about 1200 calories. To maintain my current weight, I need about 1500 calories. To gain a pound a week, I need to consume over 2000 calories. It’s really a struggle just to hit 1000 calories. I’m finding that in order to hit the 1500, I need to be eating almost every hour. I’m trying really hard not to eat junk food, but instead to eat foods that will actually nourish my body. I know at this point that I’m probably malnourished. So I want to eat only those foods that will most effectively nourish my body. Unfortunately, eating healthy foods makes it even harder to meet that 1500 calories (or the 2000, which is what I really need). Fruits and vegetables just don’t have that many calories. I’m not that big of a meat eater. And I’ve been having difficulty with breads and cereals for months. Plus, I really want to avoid ANYTHING with High Fructose Corn Syrup, because that stuff is the devil.
I truly believe that most of us have been poisoning our bodies for years, if not our entire lives. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I grew up eating stuff from boxes, cans, bags. Of course, my mom is a pretty good cook, and she did make meat and vegetables all the time, but our breakfast on the weekdays tended to consist of sugary cereals. Lunches were typically sandwhiches with chips or something. Maybe an apple. And side dishes at dinner were typically out of the box. After I moved out and got married, my diet went downhill fast. Between work and school, it can be so difficult to eat healthy. In comes junk food, fast food, anything in boxes with “Just add water,” on the side. All of that stuff that contributes to the downfall of one’s health.
Once you get to the point where everything you’ve been poisoning your body with starts to affect you, its extremely hard to get back. And I’m really at an extremely low point. Because I’ve had problems eating for so long and am now malnourished, my energy levels are SO low. My muscles are weak. It’s extremely hard to function. I hate this. I want to feel good again. I want to be able to eat a normal meal. I want to feel human again.
