Damn. Eating is so freaking difficult. I don’t know why. I can’t figure it out. But it takes me so long to eat so little and it is so much work. It really makes me not want to eat, which is not good, since I already have no appetite. And trying to decide WHAT to eat is ridiculously difficult. I feel nauseas all the time and puke so often. I have lost an incredible amount of weight, and I am now seriously underweight for my body frame and height. It’s really scaring me. I’m trying so hard to eat something, anything, but I do want to keep it to more healthy items. I know I probably have a malabsorption issues at this point, so I’m trying to make sure that what I am putting INTO my body is as healthy as possible. But healthy foods have so little calories and I can’t eat enough of them. To maintain my current weight, I need a little over 1200 calories. To gain 1 pound a week and get back up to 115 pounds by October 20, I would have to eat over 2000 calories. I can barely get 1000 calories down my throat on most days. I can’t lose any more weight. If I do, I’ll end up seriously sick and in the hospital, which I cannot afford. I’m doing a lot of research on food and nutrition and so forth, so maybe I’ll find something in there that can help me, because the doctors are absolutely useless. I’m so tired of this.
Belle De Jour: The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl Thursday, June 26, 2008
My friend lent me this book called Belle De Jour: The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl. I guess it was supposed to have been the blog of some call girl. I started reading it the other day, and so far, it is pretty good. This chick is very blunt with all aspects of the call girl job, but she is also very informative about all the work that goes into it as well. It is interesting to be reading about how she got into it to begin with. So far, so good. I hope it continues to be a good read. =)
My Biggest Reason for Skepticism Thursday, June 26, 2008
I grew up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. You know, those people that come knocking at your door during Saturday morning cartoons? Or even during dinnertime? I was one of those. And at one point, I was REALLY into it too. I even graduated high school two years early, so that I could devote the majority of my time to annoying people at their doors. Or saving them, if you want to look at it from the delusional view of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. For a few years, I was trying to spend at least 60 hours per month knocking on people’s door or otherwise “preaching the word of God.” Later, I tried to become what they call a Regular Pioneer, which entails spending 90 hours per month or more preaching. Mostly, I just wanted to be a “good little girl,” and do all the things I had grown up being told I SHOULD do. I thought maybe I could make my mom happy that way.
Unfortunately, living as the “good little girl” also meant that I could not date or marry the person I had fallen in love with. For a while, I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t in love with him, but every guy I dated could not compare up to him. The Jehovah’s Witness boys I dated could not compare with this man I loved who was considered a bad influence by the Witnesses. Eventually I realized that I could not live my life this way. It was ridiculous for me to deny myself love, based on the ideas of MEN who thought they could control people’s lives. All it really comes down to is power and control. If you can convince someone that they need to live the way you say and do exactly what you say, you have control over that person. If you can control them, you have power over them. And, of course, with power comes money. Using God and Jesus and a person’s desire to believe in order to get that power and money is just despicable.
One of the biggest things that pushed me away from the Jehovah’s Witnesses is that we were not allowed to question. If something we were told or something we were read did not make sense to us, we could not question it. We could not push those teaching us to explain WHY, because that somehow meant we were questioning God. We were told that God would make the “light shine brighter” at the appropriate time, and we had to trust in Him. Eventually, after leaving and doing my own research, I found that with most things, the reason we could not question was because there was no actual BASIS for the rule in question. That is besides the fact that by discouraging independent thinking and encouraging people to trust blindly, those in control gained even more control and power over the masses. We were all blind sheep, following without questioning, while children were molested and people died or had their lives destroyed.
If you have done any research at all online about Jehovah’s Witnesses, you will come across several websites that discuss the child molestation issues that are swept under the rug by those in charge of the congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses. One of the major ones is the Silent Lambs website. There are so many horrifying stories of sex offenders who preyed on innocent people in the congregations of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Some of these were people preying on their own children or other relatives. The typical case ends with nothing of substance being done: no call to the cops, no official record of the assault, no warning to the public that this person may be a danger. In the congregation I grew up in, my best friend at the time was molested by a friend’s brother. When my mom told those in charge of the congregation, the only thing done was that he was publicly reproved. This means an announcement was made to the congregation, basically letting them know that he had done SOMETHING wrong and was being punished, with no clue to the actual wrong-doing. That was it. No cops were called on him, and later, when he married, my friend and I actually ended up babysitting HIS children, although neither of us would ever be alone with him.
There were many other little instances of things that occurred, which in the end helped me to see how very false this religion, or cult if you want to be technical, is. Eventually, maybe I’ll write out my full story of growing up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and how I got out, but not today.
Fibro Hell: Part 1 Thursday, June 26, 2008
The Beginning of the Battle
For years, I had difficulties with migraine and low back pain. I was 13 when I had my first migraine headache. My mom had decided to take me, my siblings, and my best friend to Raging Waters. We were all so excited to be going, but as we were standing in line, waiting for the park to open, I began seeing these odd spots in front of my eyes. It was almost a blurring of my vision, except that the blurry spots would block out my vision and they were dark. I also started to feel nauseas, and after a little while, my head started to pound and throb. I ended up spending the day laying in the dark of the first aid office, taking Tylenol, and just waiting for the hellish day to end. Meanwhile, my friend and my family enjoyed the park. I had no idea what was wrong with me, nor did my mother. But from time to time after that, I would occasionally come down with these really odd headaches. It wasn’t until years later after doing some research that I was able to identify these horrid headaches as migraines. Hooray. I’m a migraine sufferer.
The migraines by themselves have been hellish enough. At first, I would only get them occasionally. As the years have gone by, however, they have only gotten worse. Around the time of our wedding, they started getting really bad. I was getting several a week, which, of course, interfered with me being able to work. I believe I was originally prescribed Imitrex pills, although I did take Vicodin on my own a couple of times (left-overs from wisdom teeth removal). For a while, the Imitrex worked. Then it didn’t. I was then switched to the Imitrex injections, which kind of worked. They eventually would get rid of the migraine (or maybe it would just go away on its own), but first, it would make me feel 20x worse. Eventually, that also stopped working completely. Through the years, I have tried so many medications, all to no avail. I have tried Zomig, Midrin, Maxalt, Amitriptyline, Nortriptyline, Axert, Frova, Migranal, etc. I have tried so many different medications, including antidepressants and Toprol, all to no avail. My triggers are numerous: hormonal changes, weather changes, certain foods, bright sunlight in my eyes, lack of sleep, lack of food, etc. Trying to keep track of all those triggers becomes overwhelming. And I am not completely sure I have been able to identify all food triggers or allergies as of yet, either.
In September of 1996, I was in a car accident where I was hit from the side and my car was totaled. There was no acute injury to me, and I did not go to the hospital that day. However, over the next few days, I did start to experience stiffness and pain in my back and neck. I went to see a doctor, who then sent me to physical therapy, which had no effect. I then ended up going to see a chiropractor for a few months, until he told me that he could not do anything else for me. What a waste. Since then, I’ve seen numerous doctors and chiropractors over the years regarding the pain in my back and neck. However, for most of that time, the pain has only really acted up around my period or when I was overstressed. When it did act up, though, it was bad. I was never really able to get that fully under control either.
At the beginning of 2005, I was promoted to a new position at work, with a lot more responsibility and a lot more stress. I handled it well at first, but as I took on more clients and responsibility, my working hours grew to be anywhere from 10 to 14 hours per day, with some Saturdays. I was also attending school online, which required me to sit in front of a computer at home for a few more hours each night and a large portion of the weekends. This meant I was sitting in front of a computer for the majority of my days, with sleep being the main alternative. I have never really enjoyed exercise, so forcing myself to keep that as an important part of my life just didn’t happen. In May of 2005, my back, especially my lower back, began to hurt almost constantly. Towards the end of the month, I went on vacation to Hawaii, and what I remember most of all is the pain that I experienced the entire time. The flight irritated my back so much that I could not do anything that first day, other than get a massage. I was able to do some activities after that, but the pain shadowed everything.
After I got back from Hawaii, I went to see my doctor, who then referred me to see a Physical Medicine doctor. The doctor took x-rays, didn’t find anything, prescribed me muscle relaxants and pain medication, eventually gave me trigger-point muscle injections, all to no avail. The medications helped take the edge off, but the pain was still incredible. Eventually, it got to the point that between the pain and the migraines, I could no longer make it to work. I ended up on medical leave for months. The entire time I worked in this position, there was a lot, and I mean A LOT, of stress and change going on in the department. The entire department was overworked and underpaid and nearing burn-out. When I tried to return to medical leave, I tried to explain to my new manager that I needed to have less clients and less hours, at least until I could get back into the swing of things. I was basically told that she couldn’t do that, and I eventually ended up resigning from the company. I was sick, hurting, and just couldn’t deal with that. Because I resigned, I was able to change my health insurance from the Kaiser insurance I had with the company to the Blue Cross insurance offered by my husband’s company. This allowed me to start looking for new doctors.
Coming soon: Fibro Hell: Part 2, Multitudes of Doctors.
Quote of the Day: Thursday, June 26, 2008 Thursday, June 26, 2008
“Remember those ships who pass through your day, touching your life just once, sending you into a better direction than your life was headed.”
- Unknown (sent to me by a dear wise friend…)
